Satire

Ruby Sigmund, Co-Editor in Chief 

This past year has been a difficult time for everyone. Let’s see if the stars spell out a tale of good fortune.

You hot-headed rams like to butt into conversations, and this will be your downfall. Venus, Mercury and the Sun will align to spotlight your social life, in which a friend may stab you in the back – literally – for your aggressive nature. E tu, Brutus? 

Especially if you have blond hair, keep watch of the cutlery while your friends and family are close by.

I know it’s in your nature to be as stubborn as a bull, but you need to be more open to others’ opinions as Venus supercharges your love life. If not, I sense that a Cancer may get angry and report you for tax fraud, as your lazy nature may have caused the bills to pile up unpaid.

Tauruses with abnormally large hands should be extra careful around the IRS. Happy birthday!

Hello, two-faced beauties. The most important thing for you to remember is to not flake out at the last minute. Your jekyll-and-hyde act will not be seen in a positive light this month, especially with your family. You and your shadow will become the scapegoat in a nasty cheating scandal resulting in a large portion of your peers hating you unless you stop being so indecisive.

If you are both a Gemini and a twin, be extremely cautious around them and scissors. They may want to cut you out of their life, both figuratively and literally. Good luck.

You may be crabby, Cancer, but you rule the sea. Just make sure those waves don’t turn into a tsunami of tears. Unfortunately, I’m sensing that disturbances in the planets will lead to drowning unless you can keep your emotions in check and stop complaining. Make sure you are in view of a lifeguard at all times when near water.

Cancers with short brown hair will receive enormous wealth this month.

Roar, lion, roar. This month is high intensity as Mars moves into your 5th house and allows you to continue to be the center of attention. However, keep in mind that the world doesn’t revolve around you, and if you act like it does, I’m sensing the loss of relationships and an attack to the heart. Warm up the defibrillators!

If you have curly hair, Leos, expect your sense of self to shatter as you realize that not everyone likes you.

You may pretend to be innocent, Virgos, but the stars know you better than that. Debauchery will be your downfall this month as Mercury creates communication issues that result in secrets being revealed and a physical response to them, perhaps a broken toe – more likely several broken toes.

Virgos with dyed hair will possibly need an amputation given the level of severe pain I’m sensing around your foot. Yikes.

In a just world, your idealism would always be looked on favorably. However, expect this to be false this month, as relationships will crumble as Venus moves into Taurus unless you tone down your judgmental behaviors. I see a sentencing in your future – try not to be on the wrong side of the law.

Blue-eyed Libras are in for an extra shock – an arrest is imminent, most likely because you noticed some unsavory behavior from your better half and responded with a citizen’s arrest. Do better, Libras.

Heyyyyyyy, Scorpios. Things get spicy this month, but not in the way you would hope. School and/or work conflict with Saturn to produce a scandal that you are at the center of. Your scorpion stinger will injure family members unless you can stop searching for pleasure in places void of it. 

If you have any allergies, search through coworkers’ possessions for items that may cause a life-threatening allergic reaction. Keep an EpiPen on your person this month.

Archers, ready your bows. This month you must try not to be a commitment-phobe like usual, as your ruling planet, Jupiter, brings along opportunities in the workplace. If you cannot commit or compromise, I sense you will become indebted both mentally and financially to gambling.

Sagittariuses who are only children may drop dead of sarcasm this month. You parents can’t handle your irony anymore.

Goats, I advise you to confront your emotions this month – something that is difficult for you to do. However, it is extremely important that you do, as the build-up of these feelings will cause the dam to burst sometime around the third week in April. You will become sick with emotion and may need to take a trip to the hospital for extreme vomiting.

Tall Capricorns should be wary of farm animals. Neigh!

Waterbearers, though you may bear water, I bear good news. The majority of this month will go smoothly for you, especially socially. Unfortunately, the last week of April could be catastrophic unless you stop distancing yourself from everyone else. I sense that you may have a near-death experience with a water fountain. Be mindful of how close you put your mouth to the metal!

If any Aquarians out there have a shoe size of 9, be careful of water blisters on your feet. 

Hello, little fishies! My piece of advice for you this month is to stop being a drama queen. You are the fish-who-cried-wolf, and unless you stop acting like an 80-year old paranoid gossip, no one will listen to you when you actually need help. Uranus is urging you to go outside of your comfort zone during April – just try not to flop around on dry land.

Male Pisces: I’m not going to warn you of anything because you are going to twist my words around and use them against me. Let’s just say don’t go to a grocery store anytime soon.

Designed by: Leo Preston